HomeSavage Research — We Think This Is FunnyThe Jester's Court

GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, (S)He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

  1. How did you find out about your Deity?
    Newspaper
    Bible
    Torah
    Book of Mormon
    Koran
    Divine inspiration
    Dead Sea Scrolls
    My mama done tol' me
    Near-death experience
    Near-life experience
    National Public Radio
    Tabloid
    Burning shrubbery
    Other (specify):
  2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
    YHVH
    Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
    Jehovah
    Jesus
    Krishna
    Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
    Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
    Allah
    Satan
    Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
    God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
    God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
    None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
  3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
    Yes No If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.

    Please indicate all that apply: Not eternal
    Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
    Not omniscient
    Not omnipotent
    Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to allcreations)
    Permits sex outside of marriage
    Prohibits sex outside of marriage
    Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
    Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
    When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
    Requires burnt offerings
    Requires virgin sacrifices
    Plays dice with the universe
  4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity? Please check all that apply. Indoctrinated by parents
    Needed a reason to live
    Indoctrinated by society
    Needed focus in whom to despise
    Imaginary friend grew up
    Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
    Graduated from the tooth fairy
    Hate to think for myself
    Wanted to meet girls/boys
    Fear of death
    Wanted to piss off parents
    Needed a day away from work
    Desperate need for certainty
    Like organ music
    Need to feel morally superior
    Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
    My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
  5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false godwere you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
    Mick Jagger
    Rajanish
    Baal
    The almighty dollar
    Bill Gates
    Left-wing liberalism
    The radical right
    Ra
    Beelzebub
    Barney T.B.P.D.
    The Great Spirit
    The Great Pumpkin
    The sun
    Elvis
    Cindy Crawford
    The moon
    TV news
    Burning shrubbery
    Other:
  6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration inaddition to God? Please check all that apply.
    Tarot
    Lottery
    Astrology
    Television
    Fortune cookies
    Ann Landers
    Psychic Friends Network
    Dianetics
    Palmistry
    Playboy and/or Playgirl
    Self-help books
    Sex, drugs, rock and roll
    Biorhythms
    Alcohol
    Bill Clinton
    Tea leaves
    EST
    CompuServe
    Mantras
    Jimmy Swaggert
    Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
    Human sacrifice
    Pyramids
    Wandering in a desert
    Burning shrubbery
    Barney T.B.P.D.
    Barney Fife
    Other:___________
  7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?
    a. More divine intervention
    b. Less divine intervention
    c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
    d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?
  8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
    Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following:

    (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
    Disasters:12345
    Flood
    Famine
    Earthquake
    War
    Pestilence
    Plague
    Spam
    AOL
    Miracles:12345
    Rescues
    Spontaneous Remissions
    Stars hovering over jerkwater towns
    Crying statues
    Water changing to wine
    Walking on water
    VCRs that set their own clocks
    Saddam Hussein still alive
    Getting any sex whatsoever

  9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?

    If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by December 31 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing.Chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 1023, depending on number of beings entered.





Savage Research Home Page | Our Humor Page Index | The Jester's Court