Just in case you have forgotten the rules
Please use these helpful hints this and every Halloween and
during the whole year.
- When it appears that you have killed the monster,
never check to see if it's really dead.
- Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
- Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
- If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language
which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will
save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will
probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
- When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off
and go alone.
- As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
- Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This
would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
- If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise
and find out that it's just the cat, get the hell out!
- If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check
for short circuits; just get out.
- Do not take anything from the dead.
- If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a
good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
- Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're
sure you know what you're doing.
- If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall
down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion.
Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the
monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast
enough to catch up with you.
- If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit
uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for
blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill
- Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which
are listed here:
- Elm Street
- Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one)
- anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold
- the Bermuda Triangle
- any small town in Maine
- If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do
not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you
thought you had most of a tank
- shoot yourself instead. You
are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
- Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example:
- staple guns
- hedge trimmers
- electric carving knives
- butane torches
- soldering irons
- band saws
- any devices made from deceased companions.
- If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is
the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to
houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed
suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants
who performed satanic practices in your house.
- If you have just smoked dope, gotten drunk with a bunch of
stupid frat boys or, especially, just had sex, you are as good
as dead, so just kiss it good-bye!
Know the facts, folks. These aren't just suggestions....