1998's Newest Scientific Theories
Here are the winning entries from a recent contest for "new
scientific theories" sponsored by Omni magazine.
- 4th RunnerUp-- The earth may spin faster on its
axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin
increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the
cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
- 3rd RunnerUp-- Communist China is
technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet. The
lack of an alphabet means the Chinese cannot use "acronyms"; thus,
they cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.
- 2nd RunnerUp-- The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious'
Theory: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This
pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear
pressures, so they must yawn to even it all out.
- 1st RunnerUp-- If an infinite number of
rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an
infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway
signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary
works in Braille.
The quantity of consonants in the English language is absolutely
constant. If consonants are omitted in one geographic area, they
turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah", the lost
r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest
in "erl wells."
GRAND PRIZE WINNER:
When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and when toast
is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side facing down.
Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat.
When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground,
probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array" could replace
pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant buttered-cat arrays"
could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking New York with
Back to the Savage Research Humor Page