Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of an
Familiarize yourself with the specifications for sacrificial
victims, and ensure that unacceptable substitutes cannot be
unexpectedly introduced into the ceremony. If the penalty for
not-to-specs work is death and/or mutilation, consider working for a
more fault-tolerant deity.
Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation
of your deity's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting
it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.
Before agreeing to impregnation by a supernatural being,
investigate the survival rate of the other women who have undergone
Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
Eschew deities whose followers are all young; such faith groups
usually employ an unpleasant retirement procedure.
Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight -- it
attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, various
supernatural creatures, and can be downright dangerous during
thunderstorms. Its jingling also tends to warn the hero of your
Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress
this enough. Pastel colored candles in the shape of cute animals
are like direct sunlight to the Powers of Darkness.
If the spirit contacted during a seance begins offering financial
advice, you're dealing with a con artist, and not a genuine medium.
Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver
knife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic, and cab fare.
Fluorescent lighting is very annoying to most netherworldly
When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest.
Enraged demons always go for the pompous.
When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES.
Thousands of cult members could be saved every year if they followed
this simple safety tip.
During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now
generally considered "bad form."
Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix.
When the ritual goes awry, it is vitally necessary to be able to
discern between the gibbering monstrosity to pump full of silver
bullets and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a
few hours, some B complex, and a good hot bath.
Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature,
can stand against one who is true to his faith, his god/goddess, and
the deal made in exchange for the soul. However, it is also true
that gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be prepared
to change sides at the drop of a hat.
For those situations where a fresh, living, sacrifice is not
available, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a
previously frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it.
However, a mock victim sculpted from SPAM is unacceptable.
Instead of picking human victims who are young, virginal and
innocent (and tend to turn out to be the Hero's girlfriend), see if
you can substitute mass murderers, lawyers, and other people who
won't be missed.