It's October again and the TROPIC-A has once more received mysterious
signals from outer space proclaiming wisdom about the Universe.
The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the
number of helicopters in it.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent
sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
The most valuable function performed by the federal government
is entertainment.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests you think she's pregnant, unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment.
A penny saved is almost worthless.
They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will
never be peace in the Middle East and the Balkans. Billions of
years from now when the Earth is hurtling toward the sun and there
is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the
microorganisms living in those places will be bitter enemies.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, we all believe we are above-average drivers.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people
to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "obsession."
People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.
Nobody is normal.
At least once per year, some group of scientists will become
very excited and announce that:
The universe is even bigger than they thought!
There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
Whatever they announced last year about global warming is
wrong
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential,
that word would be "meetings."
The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite
of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: If the
advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the
advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all
other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father
and, therefore, not you.
The same principle used for advertising products seems to apply
to political advertising as well. If a politician ever ran for
president under a slogan such as "Harlan Frubert: Basically, He
Wants Attention," I would work for his campaign.
If there really is a God who created the entire universe with
all of its glories, and He decides to deliver His message to
humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV
with a bad hairstyle.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
nice person.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it way
too seriously.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.
Very often, that individual is crazy.
Your friends love you anyway. Your family will always tolerate
you.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well: Just get up and dance.
Note from the editor: It has been brought to my attention that this
is from a column by Dave Barry, noted humorist. Thanks to Dave and
buy his books!